Not only do I speak to strangers but apparently I travel cross county and trek through the wilderness with them also.
As an outdoor enthusiast and a nature lover, I’ve always wanted to surrender to the wild and go camping. But as a proper gent with a public restroom phobia, I’ve never been able to conquer the whole ‘shittin in the woods’ dilemma. Ironically, Instagram (reference my past post “Instagram: no filter” to grasp the scope if irony) granted me my chance to experience mother nature’s hospitality in an eventful way that is so true to form of my randomness. Here’s the tale of how the whole adventure unfolded in all its dramatized glory.
To be fair, Mike and I weren’t quite strangers. By some unknown force we had become acquainted on Instagram. It was clear that we had a similar love for adventure travel, nature, hiking and photography. After over a year of appreciating each others experiences with ‘likes’ and ‘comments’, we met for lunch when I was living in NYC and when he was visiting the city. That one hour conversation was the extent of our face to face interaction over our 3 or so year association.
One day he casually mentioned wanting to experience Yosemite. Without taking a breath, I said “let’s do it”. In hindsight, I don’t think he meant he wanted to do it immediately… or even with me, but that possibility was lost on me in my excitement. You see, sometimes I forget that my tolerance for risk is much higher than the average person. What sounded like an adventure to me, may have sounded a bit more like insanity to him. I understood later why he held his tongue. In a time when people talk a good game, but most don’t follow through, he thought this was just a fleeting desire expressed in excitement… But then I booked the ticket. Then I got him to book his… Shit just got real, and this was happening!
It should be noted that Mike tried to cancel the trip about 3 times using every reasoning he could create. But early on, I decided that it was not worth stressing over and everything was gonna work out for the best. We are both sensitive artists, meaning we are both bat shit crazy as times, but in time, we find our sanity. So I left him to his inner turmoil until he resolved it and was ready to make the trip.*
We live in different cities so we arranged it to both connect through Charlotte and take the same flight to San Fransisco. When running into him at the airport gate in Charlotte, I was reminded of the first thought I had when I met him for lunch in NYC; He is so much taller and more massive of man than he looks in his pictures. I say my greetings then immediately send a text to my friend Chris noting who he was, his contact information and that if I came up dead, this man did it! After all, I would be out in the wilderness alone with this man who was probably stronger than I, and was also an emotional artist (bat shit crazy). I’m a risk taker, but I’m not oblivious of the ‘making of a murderer’. We made it to San Fran without incident.
On the train ride from San Fransisco to Yosemite. Truly awesome views. You gonna have to expect pics like this with photographers traveling together. More images of the landscape on my IG (@halexsanchez)
It should be noted that downtown San Fransisco is filthy! It looks like everything and everyone is covered in a film of dustiness. And this is coming from a guy who liked San Fran. But clearly I’ve been spoiled by previously staying in The Mission area. Downtown, is definitely not The Mission. Don’t go downtown!
On arrival at Yosemite we learned that a national park this popular is not just a place of beauty, it’s is a well oiled corporation. There was so much bureaucracy, regulations and restrictions that it was head spinning. So the first night, we found the backpackers grounds and decided to hit the hikes in the morning. I pooped before leaving the hostel in San Fran so I survived the first day without having to wipe my bum in the open with soft pine cones or leaves. Score one point for me. Nature, 0. I can’t express how grateful I was for this. My first time pitching a tent, building a fire and roughing it was pure joy and giddiness. All was well
... Unitil Nightfall
The first night we stayed in the valley. I’ve heard before that this part of the country has it’s own seasons that pay no consideration to what the rest of the country is doing. Even though it was scorching hot on the east coast, I expected it to be a bit chiller in the park. Chiller meaning like 60-65 degrees. That first faithful night however…. It got down to around 40 degrees Fahrenheit! Keep in mind that this is summertime! Luckily, I accidentally purchased a cold weather sleeping bag that was warm. But please don’t be mistaken, I was still freezing all parts of my ass off. The bag zipped all the way up to wrap me like a cocoon with just the crown of my head (covered with a skully) peeking though the top.
Nature-1, Me- 1
Mike was not so lucky. With no sleeping bag, he wore everything he brought, but was still freezing to the point of not being able to sleep. Feeling sorry, I offered that he could come into my tent for the added body heat, but a man’s pride is stronger than his need for comfort. I understood that it would have been pretty weird, but I hate being cold. So had the tables been reversed, the only thing I would have asked in response to the offer is “big spoon or small spoon?” as I jumped in his tent.
I closed my eyes and prayed for a warm morning to arrive. Many, many hours later, I awoke to realize that it was actually only 2 hours later. Fuck! And I needed to pee like no other. Could I hold it? Could I go back to sleep? It’s so dark and so cold and so unknown out there. There was a “bathroom” close by since we were in the backpackers camp. A building with designated holes in the ground. When I thought it certain that I would urinate on myself, I emerged from my cocoon, stumbled around frantically to find my boots. Struggled to unzip my tent and reached for my janky flashlight that of course was not working. With no time to spare due to a bursting bladder, I rise from the tent like I was about to face a fierce mortal enemy. I’m cautiously racing to the building, trying not bust my ass stumbling in the dark and frantically turning my head in every direction at once to see everything thing around me. In an overdramatized scene from the blair witch project, I get to the toilet (hole) with a rousing pee pee dance to relieve myself. For some reason, peeing really relaxed me and took away some of the fear. I walk back slowly to the tent, realizing that there’s actually quite a beautiful serenity to the dark woods. I am then able to sleep through the night. Luckily, we both wake up alive and ready to start the adventure.
It should be noted that the lodge had a public restroom so I was able to choose the lesser of two evils and shat there in the morning. Now, once again I could go a day without pooping over a venomous snake pit
Nature 1, me 2
We chose the “6 mile trail” from the dizzying amount of options. 6 Miles just sounds doable, but we really should have asked more questions. We are told that we can’t camp on the trail, but there are a few designated areas that it’s allowed, some few miles away from the trail. We’re strapping young men, we can make a 9-10 mile hike in a day right? But for some reason, every ranger seemed to recoil at our chosen route. But we just assumed that they didn’t understand how beastly of male specimens we actually were. We rented the mandatory bear protection canisters to protect against being attacked for our food (there’s a genuine look of concern on my face) and we are on our way.
It should be noted that if we were to poop in the woods, we couldn’t bury the toilet paper or wipes. We would have to carry it out with us. And because it’s essentially food, it would have to be placed in the protective canisters with our food to avoid attracting bears. The magnitude of the profanity that is needed to be inserted to my “Hell _______ No!” has yet to be invented
Still full of hope and promise... We begin our hike first thing in the morning
We didn’t want to starve out there in case we got stranded for some reason, so we brought plenty of provisions… How much you ask? Our backpacks were around 40 lbs each… yes, a small child was pretty much sitting on my back. Adjusting to walking with the pack (aka Alex Jr) was tough, even from the beginning. It required back muscles that I clearly must not have ever exercised before. We found the head of the trail and began our ascent. As avid photographers we could barely get started without pausing at amazing sites to photograph. It’s no hype, Yosemite is freaking beautiful!
Photo taken by Mike jus before the hike really gets going.
The hike starts uphill; well actually up-mountain. After the first mile, we’re excited but exhausted because we are still just going up-mountain. We realize that we are seeing no other backpackers at all, just day hikers. We run into some rangers who review our permits and make sure we have the necessary bear protection canisters (still scary that we need them). They review our plan and recoil just as the others did… Shake their head and wish us good luck. ok.. The level of concern rises a bit.
3 miles later, I’m pretty much dead… There’s no other way to put it.
Every switch back up the mountain is like entering the next circle of hell. As an athlete, I have pushed my body to some extremes. I have “forced my heart and nerve and sinew to serve their turn long after they are gone and so hold on when there is nothing else in me, except the will which says to them; Hold on!”. But, now I am having a genuine in depth conversation with my legs like; “All you have to do is keep stepping one in front of the other. Just keep moving and we will get there. You are stronger than you think and I believe that you can do it”. And time after time my legs responded with a resounding “NO! you fucking asshole, NO!”. So I rested. Mike has chosen a faster pace; mainly because I talk too much and at this point he needed to make smart oxygen choices.
Nature -2, me -2
l’d catch up with him at rest spots. Here we would sit for a bit, take in the immense beauty of the land, pontificate about life and reward our efforts with a small piece of beef jerky.
It should be noted that whole foods brand beef jerky is by far the best beef jerky that I have ever tasted. So good it fact that we used them like doggy treats to reward making it through a set of high incline switch backs. Do yourself a favor. Never hike, camp or even walk up the street without Whole Foods Teriyaki flavor beef jerky!
We push trough; breaking more and more frequently and making horrible time. The day hikers without heavy backpacks are struggling right along with us, but not as severely. We have now been hiking 5 miles, up a 6000 ft tall mountain and it’s clear why this was an insane decision. We are to the point that we now have animal companionship and we even give them names. We’re delirious with fatigue. I’m starting to accept that the mountain may have to be my permanent home.. I honestly just want to eat all the damn food in my pack so that I don't have to carry the extra weight anymore.
It should be noted that bringing a jar of jelly is a monumentally stupid idea. If you have to have J with your PB, bring some small packets. I wanted to chuck that shit in the waterfall, but I don’t liter
One more mile of undiluted agony, we finally reach the summit. Glacier point is a place of incredible vistas, but we saw none of it. The first bench we found was away from the views and we just offloaded and sat there for a half hour refusing to move. The views weren’t going anywhere and frankly neither were we. All we could do was smile and laugh historically at what we just accomplished. There was a bit of bitterness because at the summit there were crowds of people that got there by bus and car. “Damn Pussies! You didn’t earn this view!” Then we finally had the energy to gather some food and move toward the views. We sat, ate, took in the beauty and made more animal friends which we also named.
About an hour later, with backpacks left care-freely unattended, we had to face the reality of figuring out the next step. In Mike’s tired delusions, he was hell bent on not taking another step. He suggested that we wait until the crowds leave and illegally setting up camp right here at the summit. I stayed quiet to give him a chance to think it through, knowing that in my tired state I can be controlling and blunt. As he sticks to his conviction, I went into crisis mode. I checked the map, questioned a few hikers coming from the opposite direction to get an idea of what laid ahead and did time calculations.
In my kindest possible voice, I informed him that staying there at the summit was a hell no. If it was 40 degrees in the valley, what do think will happen when the sun goes down…. at a 6000 ft raise in elevation!? Even with the blazing sun, there were still patches of snow in the shadows as we were hiking up to the summit. We survived last night, but we would surely freeze to death on this mountain top. The next 2 miles were all downhill. I suggest that we push ourselves to hike downhill until we got close to a waterfall that I saw on the map which would symbolize the switch to uphill. By then the sun would be almost set and no rangers or hikers will be out. We can make camp there and pack up before anyone was on the trail to fine us for illegally camping out.
He agreed. And we started the trek. Although bad for the knees, this downhill journey felt awesome compared to what we had encountered in the beginning of the day. Almost to the waterfall we come across an amazing view through the trees. It’s at a cliffs edge that overlooks the nearby waterfall and is just breathtaking. “Here! here is where we will camp”. We set up near the edge of the cliff, Tie our food up in a tree to protect against bears (again, still a scary thought) and just enjoyed our last jerky treat. Beautiful. The night didn’t seem as cold, the darkness didn’t seem as dark and the forest not as scary. Waking up to that view was what we came all the way out here for. In the morning, we sat on the cliff, ate our breakfast, watched the sun creep across the valley and enjoyed a silent deep conversation.
The quintessential Yosemite image of the famed half dome mountain.
After a strenuous hike back to base, we had bonded in the experience. It was tough, but we made it. And just like that, we both knew that this trip was complete. Another night was unnecessary and it was time to head back. Full and content.
It should be noted that I never had to poop outdoors and wipe my butt with a leaf or make a poo sandwich
Nature 2, me 3
Boom!
THE END!
INSTAGRAM: @HALEXSANCHEZ