Since I am dying, I am going to...

“You are going to die in a year from today”

“Welp, That’s a bit dark, but ok”

“Now what?”

“Exactly… Now what?” 

“I am going to write!”

“Exactly”

Somehow, I wrote every day without knowing I wanted to be a writer before having this conversation. It happened during one of those commonly occurring silent moments sitting alone. 

I would readily invite the conversation but I never get the opportunity. He just takes the quiet solitude as his cue to demand responses to questions he already knows the answers to. And he is right. I set the optimum conditions knowing he will show up. 

He makes me insecure with his confidence and absolute certainty. He’s never excited or pleading, just calmly clear. As for me, I waiver, I dilute, I doubt, then in the end, I’ve completely confused myself. The consistency of his clarity makes me painfully jealous. Uncomfortable but excited, I invite him in knowing that demands would be made of me to alter my life.

I would love to claim absolute obedience, but I grudgingly admit that when I reintegrate into the world with all of its vague, contradictory absurdity, I can become disobedient and waiver from his assignment. The advice of the world is so much more compatible with my fear; his… not so much. 

But when the silence returns, after all the exposure to so many outside voices, I am assaulted with the same truth, unaltered. Shame then consumes me. On a good day, the shame pushes me into action. More often than not, I run into distraction to mute the shame and leave it to speak another day; only this time its tone is intensely angrier like a disappointed parent. 

Today is a good day. And this writing, open to public consumption, is me being pushed into action. Today the fear of writing badly, of being completely unrelatable, of being basic, is insignificant to the scale of my desire to honor what I didn’t know, that I always knew, I want to do most. So today… I am a writer!

---

I do not actually know the hour or day when I will depart this place. but until then… I plan to leacve it different than I found it.

Breaking the Algorithm

I had a thought recently that intrigued me to the point of obsession. “What if life was set up like social media sites!?” What if the things we clicked on (chose to engage in) continuously narrow down our view of the world until we are only shown (can only see) what we already believe about the world? in this theory, it could mean that two strangers can be walking down the same street at the same time and be in two completely different worlds. Their worlds look as different from each other as their facebook suggestion posts; reinforcing their beliefs by only showing them more of the same. Our reality could just me that, OUR reality, not THE reality.

I hate to admit that in my reality, the world is seemingly sprinting to most unpleasant oblivion. And in my reality, just about everyone agrees. people on the street, friends, even the entire media seems to be in agreement. So one can be tempted to label this global decline as a fact. But what if I have instructed my algorithm to feed me more on my obsession of a failing humanity? What if majority of the world lives in a reality where earth’s inhabitants are thriving? It is easy for me to see how other people can get caught in an echo chamber of their beliefs. Only surrounded by people and media that agree with their world view. It will be rather ignorant and naive for me to think that I too am not in some form of an echo chamber myself.

Spiraling deeper into this concept of “How much of my reality is not real!?” has been a complete mind bender. For instance.. take this theory. There is the belief that God made man in his own image and likeness. Man, in their evolution, continue to move towards creation. Creation of various worlds within this one. i.e. Metaverses and virtual reality. In this we program characters, beings to operate a certain way based on code and algorithms. So what if, in our journey to be like our creator, we are copying the methodology in which we were all created? Our matter, which is the same as everything in our world, is our code. And that code is governed by algorithms; universal rules that govern our output based on our input. I am sure some of you read this and can see how this theory can be a basis for so many belief systems, from religious sin and punishment, to the living in a simulation theory. But as I continued to spiral I felt a certain power rising. “How much of my reality can I change, just by learning the algorithm and using it?” light bulb!

I thought of google. My ad content and auto suggestions are based on past online activity. Google has already figured out many things about me; race, background, gender, career, hobbies, my aesthetic. For the most part google knows me and its autosuggestions can be eerily correctly targeted. But adjusting this isn’t too difficult. I just google some random things that is way off brand for me. And in no time, more and more far reaching ads will start popping up as the algorithm is trying to get back in my good graces; trying to know me better. If I click on off brand suggestions, it will eventually lead me to some things that I would have never known about. Now, How do I translate that into “real” life? How do I shake up life’s algorithm?

I embarked on a mission to do things that I would not normally do. But in the first 24 hours from the inception of this idea, I found it quite difficult to know what these “different things” were. Afterall (I’m aware that it’s officially “after all” but I feel like it should be one so, boom), we don’t know what we don’t know. I didn’t know what to do differently because I didn’t know what different was out there presumably because the very same algorithm that I was trying to break, blocked these things from my world view. I determined that I am just going to have to pay closer attention; very close attention to those seldom off brand opportunities in my day to day and just “click” on them.

So… Tonight, I am writing this from a hotel lobby. I have never worked from this space, I didn’t even know if I could do that on a random Sunday night. And to find out, I had to go in, in my sweats, with my book bag, and inquire. Super uncomfortable for me. I hate that. I fear discrimination (I hate to admit that I let that fear consume my mind). I fear judgement over my appearance/dress and ill treatment. And I loathe sounding foolish. Alas, all this fear did indeed have me sounding quite foolish. The host could barely hear my incoherent, false-confident inquiry, and then finally he essentially told me “of course, just sit your ass down homie!”. At least that’s what I felt. Either way, I’m here. Algorithm, slightly bent. But I am paying attention for other opportunities; clicking on the other random suggestions.

Support for the theory

I dug deeper into this concept and tried to simplify my thoughts. Taking all the long winded ideas and trying to condense them into clear one or two sentence statements; truths. And the weirdest thing happened; those sentences ended up being a less eloquent versions of so many cliches/adages that we have heard growing up. You know, those sayings that find themselves on inspirational posters. One that came to me was Gandhi’s “Be the change that you want to see in the world”. If you change your choices and alter your perspective, the world around you changes. The world you see changes. The world bends to your idea about it. To some, the saying can seem unrealistic, how can one man change the world by just changing a few habits. And the short answer could be that he can’t. He can never change anyone else’s world but his own. But his world is the only world that is real to him. I know, I know… this is going into existential territory but stay with me. I told you that I became obsessed.

There have been many sayings that border this concept. “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. “reality is relative”. “The world is a reflection of who we are”. Then there is the popularity of books like “The Secret”. All of these are distilled, simplified versions of a potential great truth; with every thought, choice and action we can build the world around us. We can use the algorithm of life to construct our reality. It’s like constantly searching for and clicking on cat accounts on instagram. Soon enough your “random” explore page will look like a kitten dating site. The algorithm will feed you what it thinks you are hungry for. And that’s the powerful part… and also the fun part!

“How do I break the algorithm?” I don’t not have a solid answer. But there is not much that gives me more joy in this life than finding solutions to problems. And the necessary experimentation that it takes to do it.

*UPDATE*

Initially, I started my experiment in the sphere of the initial idea, social media. I used my instagram account. I started small; unfollowed someone who represented the world I want to leave behind and followed someone completely outside of my world. After going down a rabbit hole of random accounts, I ended up following a middle aged woman in Japan who posts about yarn crafts and a lot about her dogs. In one day, I received a follow from a random asian account (not spam, but private so I can only decipher this from the name). And the algorithm breaking starts. I unfollowed about 6 more people. And the first thing I found when looking for their replacement is that it’s surprisingly hard to get far away from your world. I started with a friend’s friend in India and somehow ended up back to a Korean-American who studied architecture at Yale. Much too close to home. Which also made me realize that this process will take patience. I took a video my IG search page now (A great indication of the algorithm assigned to you), and I’ll revisit it next week as I switch out more of the people I follow to see how it has changed.

-A month later

Alas, I never got to compare the video with the next week because patience is not quite my virtue and I deleted my Instagram. Not deactivated, completely deleted. This takes a month to finalize your account deletion and now it is officially gone. If I am going to commit to breaking the algorithm, I’m going to just go hard. During that month I also made the decision not to take on any more projects for my business in 2022. Keep in mind that this is decision was made in December of 2021. Scary, but necessary, because I know I want enter a different world. And I will figure out the path as I go.

The breaking of the life algorithm might take a lot more patience. But just like IG, I know I can’t just add… I’m going to have to switch out. I am going to have to let go of some things that doesn’t fit in the world I want to live in. I am not particularly clear on what that world looks like, because it’s likely a place I have no concept about as yet. But I can still have a sense of what is not in it. So as I continue to experiment of how to change my world, I will document how these additions, subtractions and swaps affect my reality.

Please feel free to add to this discussion. If you have a different angle or even a disagreement. Especially if you have a disagreement. Because it is ver y important for me to engage with people who do not believe as I believe and open my mind up to other things.

Thank you!

-Alex

Support of an examined life

Public Acceptance; Private Death

The worst thing that happened to me was acceptance.

I spent my life in full acceptance that I thought differently than most people around me. Encouraged by my sister’s continuous references to me being an alien. But I always owned it. I only had two birthday parties as a kid. Both times only one person showed up. But knowing that was a very real possibility, my parent made the parties a joint party with my sister who was 3 years older. And each time, sans friends of my own, I had a ball. I never gave much care to who did and didn’t like me. I learned not to. But moving to DC as an adult messed that up. I was being myself and people liked it. And the more people liked it, the more it became a performance of being myself. And as that grew my popularity, then the performance became a necessity out of fear of losing that acceptance that I never cared about in the first place.

I do not regret this time in my life, even though it caused me to lose my relationship and compromise on my principles. Maybe it’s my naive belief in the cliche “everything happens for a reason”. Or my evolved version “a reason can be extrapolated from any situation”. Because of this experience I understood that I was a loyal person that was defiantly independent and agnostic to others opinions. Because for me to have lost that, I had to of had it at some point. And it had to still be in me somewhere. That was enough to encourage me. And from that broken place, grew my career. Initially a very isolating experience; leaving corporate america, everyone doubting me, blah blah blah (we know the story). but after a couple years it happened. My work as a designer was validated by the mainstream. In this case it was the ultimate main stream on my industry, HGTV.

And here is where the cycle began again. One would think that I had learned from the first time. But this system of conformity and validation is no lightweight. It is a beast and a formidable opponent. There are many designs I have done throughout my career that I don’t like now, but none that I regret. My projects have been real world practice in creating tangible forms of creative expression. I admit that my past work seems so plebeian to me now. Even my current client work has elements of many things that I criticize privately. I am not proud of being critical and judging what’s real design. It is an objective judgement. There is no real authority on what’s beautiful or what’s high design. But the fact still remains that I do not want to do what I have done in my past. I have no interest in trends or marketable design. And once again, mass validation has had me stuck doing work that I outgrew years ago.

When starting my career, the focus was skewed heavily towards aesthetics. It wasn’t a marketing ploy or anything, it was just what I liked and what I knew. It’s also what makes the people say “oooh” and “wooooww”. That’s how you get booked for the next job and featured in the magazine. That’s what landed me on HGTV, a network increasingly centered on the “look” of things. I never voluntarily talk about that time because that’s just not me anymore. Having more experience with life has made me vehemently against affectation in all areas as I find it to be a severely destructive force. As much as I love visually beautiful things, I abhor the imitation of wealth, status and trends. The homogenizing of style could have very well existed before, but only now is its infestation of the design world unavoidably noticeable to me.

It pains me to be associated with trends. But I am. Maybe my past work reflects that. Or maybe that’s just the the only lens some people have to see a designer through (Which is one reason I am thinking of dropping that title). It is more than likely my fault. What I present is not revolutionary. It is not groundbreaking. It’s the creme of the basic crop. Which is why I am summoning the bravery to not placate to the masses. It is unfulfilling. The applause is not enough. I die as an artist if I don’t grow in my art especially as I grow as a person. I need to use the visual language and practical experience of these last 2 decades to really say something; to say what I believe is my role in this story. To show how I believe design is to continue shaping who we can be as a civilization.

The work I dream of doing is function first. It is detail oriented. It is small. It is crafted. It is simple and it is raw while somehow still refined. Stripped down to its most core elements, resistant of waste, with all elements beautifully comprised of sensible materials.

But those things do not invoke an “oooh” or a “wooow”. from the masses. It will not get likes on IG. At least not at first. I will have to become undeniable among my contemporaries. Proclaimed a genius by some mainstream publication before the masses jump on board. That’s what I begrudgingly desire and obviously dread simultaneously. Because that mass acceptance threatens the very foundation of fearless creativity. And then, more than likely, the cycle of creative death and life will have to start again. And again. and again. Until I have been pushed to the very limit of expression of the creative voice that is my birthright. But it must start with the death of what I have been doing for the life of what I truly want to do to exist.