Instagram had tainted the act of taking pictures and corrupted the act of sharing experiences for me…. so I left.
But then I came back.. and then I left again. And then came back. Then I suspended my account, but then I reinstated it. And for much of that reinstated period, I refused to have the app downloaded on my phone… As if that makes any sense.
IG and I have had such a rollercoaster relationship. It was simultaneously preying on two competing sides of my personality.
When I first found out about IG, I was excited. I thought “finally a platform where my photographer friends and I can really excel”. I couldn’t wait to see their feed; to expose the world to some of their most intriguing, beautiful and story telling images. “THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!”
But very very soon into the app’s infancy, this new movement appeared and I was blindsided. I gratuitously consider myself to be a smart, intuitive and cunning person, so I was blown away that I didn’t even conceive of this turn of events. There were pictures of food, the new invention of the selfie, sexy body pictures (well I actually get the appeal of this), pop culture, the reposting of other people’s creativity and the most “basic of the basic” things that were dominating the platform. And I just stood/stared in amazement. I honestly couldn’t understand… It highlighted just how far removed I was from the average person’s reality. It also made me question “how basic of a person am I to have all these basic ass acquaintances?”.
[ I admit, I do feel bad using the word “basic” because it has negative connotations. But this is how I actually thought. Also, we still have to call a spade a spade. Even if only to encourage others to reach higher for their greatest potential. The fact is, that very few people in this world tap into their inherent unique “exceptional”. If majority of people walked in their higher self, then it would just be called normal right? ]
Soon, my IG feed felt like most of the people I was aquatinted with were either just fitting in with the average, lacked enough creativity to post anything outside of the average or were competing to be the “best of the average”. Then crept in the nuance. I started wanting more likes and more followers. “What do I post, what do people like?”. Then the intentions for some of my post became cloudy. I was confused if I was taking pictures of things I liked or just things that would be well received. Is there a difference for a person that likes to share? Was I becoming…. basic? Time to delete the evidence of my conformity. But soon after deleting my profile for the second time, I realized that I used to look at my feed and smile. I loved the shots I took. I loved the experiences that were captured. It was a reminder of how awesome my life really is and to be grateful.
I gave it more thought and it finally hit me. It’s all about fitting in; acceptance. The first time I deleted my profile was because I didn’t think I belonged on this platform; that I didn’t fit in. the second time it was because I felt like my intentions may had been compromised because I was fitting in too much; best of the basic. And then finally, I suspended my account just because my head hurt from thinking of how many ways I didn’t want to be like the masses or have my posting intentions misunderstood. two out of these three times I was on IG, it was for my work. To share my craft. And somehow it still managed to be a total mental contortion.
Talk about exhausting…..
So, I shrank… I dimmed my light. I disappeared. I hid behind the notion that I just want a humble life. When the truth is that a humble life does not mean an obscure life… An un-impactful life. I was reminded of Marianne Williamson’s words.
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same..”
As a small kid, I didn’t care at all what anyone thought. I did as I pleased. as a young adult, I became more aware and self conscious of my weirdness. And after I gaining more public recognition, it became harder to be comfortable being a weirdo. Having all those eyes on me made it hard to be comfortable being seen. It was like I was finally acceptable in the eyes of the masses and I didn’t want to screw it up by showing people the weird dork that I am. And that fear has just made me a shadow of who I am really meant to be.
So now there’s nothing left to do but own my uniqueness. I accept myself fully regardless of what anyone else thinks. I am a person that relishes in telling stories. I love sharing my experiences. I live to learn and to teach. I don’t feel like I exist without these things. I was born as an artist and I have a natural inclination to express myself from my own unique perspective. And whether it is driven by love, vanity, insecurity or pride, then so it is. Because regardless of how much I claim that I am not, I am actually human, and all of these emotions exist within me. It’s just time to accept it without making apologies. It’s time to draw all the things and people that are meant to be in my life, to me.
The final answer came as I was writing out what my ideal life would look like. The last line I wrote; “I want to experience, learn, create, share and teach. That’s what I want my career and entire life built on”. That’s it! That is my answer and I am going to honor that. I am going to take all of my experiences, distill the lesson from each. And I will use IG to unapologetically create, and share my perspective gained from all of these life experiences. With no regard to if it’s unacceptable or too acceptable to the average person. Because one thing I have learned, is that the people that I want to draw into my life are not your average people. IG will help me stay accountable to continuously striving to create my #bestlifepossible.